I've had just about enough of the modern American version of Halloween.
Don't get me wrong: I'm all for dressing up in silly, scary or clever costumes and collecting bucket-loads of candy from the neighbors. Hey - I might even try to do this today. I'm pretty sure I still have my gold tooth from last year when I was Forty Cent, an up and coming rapper who was possibly related to another famous rapper who used to live in my town.
It's the Halloween "decor" I have been seeing with increasingly frequency that I find perplexing and disturbing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I see nothing silly, scary or clever about bloody-looking human body parts, headless bodies in guillotines, and cemetery headstones that read: Your Name Here.
Is hanging a limp human dummy from a noose attached to a tree simply a fun way to show your Halloween spirit?
Must we blow the electric grid for the entirety of New England because we feel compelled to blanket our house and yard with hundreds of blinking, mini pumpkin lights?
And don't even get me started on the inflatables.
What ever happened to a couple baskets of colorful mums and a pumpkin or two? What's wrong with Indian corn, a bale of hay and a scarecrow?
Is it just me here, ranting like a gangrenous zombie with oozing green stuff coming out of my eyeballs?
Should I "join 'em" and run out to the Halloween store and drop $250 on a voice-activated coffin with a decaying corpse inside?
Where's my gold tooth? I think I'm gonna need it.