Monday, September 24, 2007

A very serious topic - helping your child cope with death

A girl from Belmont, MA died on the soccer field where she was playing on Saturday. She ran off the field and into her father's arms... where she collapsed. She never regained consciousness. Her name was Maeve. She was only six years old.

My heart goes out to her parents. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child at such a young age, preexisting condition or not. The grief must be crushing but an adult has the emotional and intellectual capacity to deal with death. A six year old doesn't.

This morning all of Maeve's first grade classmates should be returning to school but instead I believe they'll be attending grief counseling. But how do you explain death to a six year old, an age group that experts believe is too young to understand the concept, or any age for that matter?

I know it's not very easy to explain death to any child, especially to those so young. My own daughter has, unfortunately, attended three separate funerals with me in just two and a half short years of life but I've escaped the really tough questions because she usually forgets them soon after she's asked. But there will come a day in my life, and yours if it hasn't happened already, when I'll have to try to explain what happens to our loved ones when they die. I am not looking forward to that day at all.

I'm no counselor, and I'm certainly not an expert, so I was wondering how I as a parent could find information on helping my child understand death. Thankfully there are resources easily found on the internet that can help. One site I found particularly helpful was the Hospice Foundation of America. Another web page that offered important information for helping kids deal with death was this one on the Kids Health website. There are many more sites out there, you just need to know how to use a web browser and you'll be inundated with information on helping explain death to children. Most offer the same tips, such as avoiding euphemisms like "gone to sleep" or "losing a loved one", because children around six years old think very literally and they might believe that their friend or relative has, in fact, gone to sleep and will wake up soon. Or worse, they themselves might be afraid to fall asleep because the child might be afraid they won't wake up.

Here's another website I found interesting - the page on PBS.org written after Fred Rogers died.

There are, of course, books you can purchase or check out at your local library as well. Like this one, for kids. Or this one, to help parents learn to teach their children about death.

Like I mentioned before, I'm no expert. I'm better at teaching people how to deal with the death of their dog or cat. And these links are just a few places to start. How do you handle the topic of death with your kids?

124 comments:

pinks & blues girls said...

This is so tragic. My heart breaks for this little girl's family.

Jane, Pinks & Blues

Fairly Odd Mother said...

My oldest is 6 years old, and plays soccer, so this is especially chilling. How awful for the family---my heart goes out to them.

We've had to explain death a few times---it is a very hard thing to do, especially when they realize that death hits every living thing.

sandy shoes said...

How terribly sad.

Thank you for posting the resources, Mrs. Chicky.

Whirlwind said...

That is awful.

My two oldest play soccer (ages 4 and 5.5) and have since they were three. You never think that something so tragic can happen to such little bodies.

We've dealt with death before and have tried to be as open as possible with the girls. We answer any questions they have in a way they can understand.

pinks & blues girls said...

My heart breaks reading this. The pain is unfathomable. The resources you mention are important even months and years after such a tragedy.

Sharon - Pinks & Blues Girls

Tricia said...

I shudder to think of this. Thanks for the resources.

slouching mom said...

Oh, God. Such an awful story. We all think we're in control, and then it turns out that we're not. Not at all.

So sad.

JaniceNW said...

12 years ago our youngest son began having intractable seizures. We had just gotten home from a week long stay at the hospital. My other boys were 4 and just turned 7. We told them what was happening throughout at a level they could comprehend. I don't believe in keeping secrets from children. I know many people who are very messed up about death because their parents lied and said things like An angel came and took so and so.

Brennan ended up being terminal though we did not get this news until November. We brought him home to die. Once again, the kids were told everything just at their level. We had hospice involved and their social worker created an entire coloring book about death and heaven that is now used in hospices across the nation. That was helpful because another adult was repeating what we had told them. Their teachers were informed and asked to watch for any behavior related to the situation.

Brennan died in my arms Feb. 2, 1996. BBB who was 4, came home from school to hold his brother one last time. BPB stayed at school. We gave them permission to cope in whatever way they felt comfortable.

We did some family grief couseling for several month after Bren died that helped all of us.

I guess my message is never lie, keep it at their age level and try to be sensitive to changes in behavior that may be related.

kittenpie said...

In a bit of shameless MBT promotion, here is a list of books for talking about bereavement with young child.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Janicenw: my heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story.

This topic hurts like a punch in the gut, only worse.

Thankfully, I haven't been in this situation. I'd like to think I'd be as honest and age-appropriate as I could be.

Mrs. Chicky said...

JaniceNW - that was brave of you to tell your story here and I thank you. I wish I had better words than that but I don't. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Rock the Cradle said...

We haven't had to deal with this with the Impling at all...yet. But the time will come, inevitably.

So in the meantime, I can only explain death as it appears in her little world...that the flowers that she saw weeks and months ago but no longer sees have died. But that when spring comes, more flowers, new flowers, will bloom.

Maybe if we weren't so afraid of death, it would be easier to explain it as part of life.

Gift of Green said...

Also, "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney"...

Alex Elliot said...

JaniceNW, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have no idea how to handle this topic. Thanks for posting the resources. I just found out yesterday that my great-aunt has had a stroke and is really not doing well.

Anonymous said...

My mom died five years ago this coming April, three weeks after my 20th birthday. There is no easy to tell someone their parent has died at any age, especially when it a shock. My sister and I were both a mess and handled it very differently; I was angry and she was nostalgic. This was weird because most thought we would have opposite reactions.

My sister is also a mother; I have a nephew and two neices who were 3,5, and 7 years at the time of my mother's death. The 7-year old was especially close to my mother. We all sat down at the table and told them together...I do not remember the exact words said. The younger girls did take it evry literally. They would say things like "I miss grandma, but she's in heavon and we can't see here anymore." The 7-year old tried to be a man and hold on...he wouldn't let himself cry but we all knew he was devastated. My sister did not want to tell him his way of grieving was wrong, but she was worried and put him in counseling for a while so he had a safe space to talk about his feelings.

I do however, completely agree that you should be honest. The kids were so young we didn't know how to explain how their grandma died so my sister told them she got sick. But what happens when they find out she actually committed suicide?

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